2017 Autism Journal
Collection of thoughts on Autism during 2017. 201702 Feelings "Nobody cares that you're autistic" Since finding my diagnosis, it has completely turned my world on its head. Suddenly so many different challenges that have pained me my whole life become more than individual marks of shame and coalesce into a picture of struggle between a brain wired for problem solving, and a society designed to remain problematic. But this complete paradigm shift does very little to change the way anyone who already knows me treats me. If anything, it has simply led people to avoid me more as I post more and more information about autism online and begin becoming more comfortable taking off the mask of a "normal person" and allowing myself to express freely all of the thoughts that would previously build up into anxieties and depression. Combined with my new obsession with astrology, I come across as completely unhinged. The link between autism and astrology is not something that I've yet explained and to outsiders I seem to just be completely lost. "We're all a bit autistic" - Allistic proverb The truth is that when allistic people find out you're autistic, they don't compute the paradigm shift that entails. They simply assume that you're still pretty much identical to how they saw you before, but now you have a piece of paper that tells you it's ok to not try so hard. They see diagnosis and labels as excuses, because they can't comprehend what it would feel like to have any other reality than their own. No autistic person would ever say "we're all a bit autistic", because the very sentence already confirms that the speaker identifies with the "we". The coining of the word autism came to use the prefix "aut-" (rhymes with 'nought', meaning self) to imply a singular reality, people who live in our own worlds. Meanwhile, the word for a non-autistic person uses the prefix "all-" (rhymes with 'pal'; meaning other) which indicates that they live in an internal world that is shared with others. These are the kids who play with each other in "typical" ways in school. Who understand taking turns in conversation and can guess how people are feeling by looking at their eyes and facial expressions. On the other hand, the autistic kids are the ones who grow up not too interested in what other people are thinking. Rather, seeing people as amusing playmates at times, and exhausting or cruel at other times. We're the kids who aren't quite kids... taking life a bit too seriously. Stacking toys into neat lines rather than smashing them up. Or simply pondering deeper reasons behind why they are here and why no one understands them. At most, an autistic person might say "well everyone is on the spectrum to some extent". Which is quite a different meaning when you take both literally. In this case there is no association between the speaker and the "everyone". Autistic people don't see ourselves as part of the broader culture or neurology of those around us. We are different. We feel different and we tend to be very all or nothing in our differences. This means that while an allistic person might struggle with a lot of the same things as an autistic person, it's not the same experience. Because for the autistic person their challenges are not temporary, occasional occurrences, they are neurologically wired. Allistic people can often show a callous indifference to this point. Muscle Memory Consider the brain (and your neurology) to be like a muscle. Just like having a toned bicep allows you to lift weights more easily, having a toned amygdala might give you a stronger long-term memory. What does it mean to tone a muscle? Well, just like any tone, it's all about depth and frequency. How hard are you stretching the string and how often are you ringing it. The neurological "muscles" associated with human interactions, reading eye and body language, etc. are not strengthened in the early life of an autistic person. These skills can be learned later in life, analytically, but they are never the natural strengths that they are for allistic people. 201303 goodbye Virgo hello Scarlett-Lily ] Virgo full moon this month, time to let go of Virgo, I think. Virgo has always (I think now) been my projection of who I *wanted to be*. But the truth is that I'm not a Virgo or an Aquarius. I'm an 8th house Aries sun, with lilith in scorpio: The scarlet lily. 04: Female vs Male Autism Soundtrack: Mouse and Banjo - Scout "Male" Inferiority complex leading to a desire to find identity within one's own strengths and hyper-focus on these. Leads to routines and order, a sense of certainty in life. Steady patterns and behaviours, group mentality. The classic aspies seen in typical media depictions. "Female" Obsessions with diverse topics with intense depth, constantly in flux, removing most routine and always expanding own areas of strength over broad subjects, leading to increased impulsivity and less predictability in day to day mood, routine and energy. Over time, finds patterns in behaviour also, which minimise anxiety but do not lead to any one set of characteristics: a wide spectrum of people with shared cognitive history, but different outcomes, symptoms, strengths, obsessions, etc. Non-binary The way that I subjectively experience gender leads me to split the group this way, which also resembles the way that Tony Attwood splits autism amongst females vs males (the latter group being more common traits in his "female" phenotype). One of the easiest ways to describe the split would be diversity of focus. The "male" phenotype (under this subjective choice of dichotomy) is characterised by a consistent and steady focus on certain elements of life/experience, leading to a stronger sense of identification with one's routine/environment/etc. While the "female" phenotype is characterised by divergence of focus, more akin to the traits of a dual adhd-autism diagnosis, whereby anxiety is no longer controlled as much through routines, but rather anxiety becomes fuel for obsessive behaviours which bring positive emotions, in avoidance of anxious and depressing stimuli. The "male" phenotype leads to a fairly stable sense of self, through repetition and building emotional resiliency as a habit, just like the rest of the routine. Whereas this "female" phenotype as illustrated, tends to form a disorganised identity. a fractal pattern of different possible responses to repeated stimuli, a set of identities relative to one's environment: a vivid, intricate personality. In my mind, this is the larger external sign to distinguish the two groups. Internally the source of difference appears to be in the choice of focus, and whether the focus is internalised onto what keeps the individual calm, or externalised onto what makes the individual happy. In some sense, "introvert" and "extrovert" could be applied, which immediately acknowledges that this binary system is in reality always existing in a spectrum in any autistic person. Not a linear line from one side to the other, but a true spectrum, where the two energies exist in a superposition with relative amplitudes and phases that lead to certain traits being amplified in some situations and others during alternate situations. Gender is relative, and this is why it is unlikely that anyone feels strictly one phenotype explains them in all situations. I, indeed, exhibit some of the "male" phenotype in some of my stubborn rituals and routines, but I have always felt more attached to my obsessions than my routines, leading to a very chaotic and unpredictable life. Characteristics of "male" phenotype * Meta-stable: although susceptible to all the same issues regarding overloads and meltdowns, the development of stable behaviour patterns allow triggers to be controlled, if well supported. * Resiliency: repetition of patterns, leads to defense mechanisms that allow avoidance of unwanted stimuli. * Social recluse: tendency to limit socialisation either uniformly or by segregated group membership. * Compulsive addiction: Characteristics of "female" phenotype * Adaptable: tends to change obsessions in response to those of their peer group, allowing them to blend in. * Social analyst: tendency to find common ground with diverse groups, through constant analysis (over many years) of foreign social rules. * Impulsive addiction: 1709 matrice multiplyx multiplxying is like multiplying except instead of multiplying 1 dimensional 'amplitudes': | x >*| y > you are multiplxying 2-dimensional 'trajectories': 1D: 9 = | - - - - - - - - - | 2D: (-17,-3) = ------___ __/////_ _////////_ --/////__ Opposition implies conjunction Reflection, inversion Transformation, "Gay in a gay way" Not gay in a straight way (like Niels and Max, or Idina and Elsa) But gay in a gay way. Gay and enthralled with gayness Only being attracted to the gay in others, finding straightness inherently repressive and terrifying but terrified of the repercussions of being gay and so you repress your gayness, while still being drawn to the gayness of others and so you extinguish your own soul while seeking to light the flame of another Raised in Captivity Anglocishetero privilege is one hell of a drug. 170919 Waning crescent in Leo/Virgo (see also Waning crescent#1709 Waning crescent in Virgo/Leo) Letting go of the need to be in control, or in the driver's seat. Recognising that the driver's seat is the worst place to be, just look at Trump. The last new moon was conjunct his Ascendant in 28o Leo, and it's clear that being the leader and the star of the world is no picnic. We live in a world where everyone is trying to blame someone else. Tall poppy syndrome means that Trump is now carrying all the angst the world holds towards white supremacy and US Imperialism and directing it at him, as though he was the architect of the whole system that he benefits from. The truth is, Trump is just an easy target, the least tactful of many, many superiors who lack his appeal to common voters. A convenient fall guy, but certainly not innocent. Trump has chosen hate and division to win himself favour. The taller they are, the harder they will fall. But what will rise up next? After the Lion comes the Virgin. Sacrifice. Servitude. What do we wish to serve? Will we serve leaders like Trump? or serve his opposite? The inconjunction: Virgo-Quarius. Serving the collective. How will this new moon deepen all of our resolve to serve the communities that we care about? 3 days before the September equinox. The US is entering their Fall, the southern hemisphere is entering our Spring. While the US flounders and hampers down for the Winter, Australia and Africa are about to come into our Summer. What changes can we make to the world in the next 6 months before the New moon in Pisces? Personal This is my 2nd house, it's time to change my priorities and values into the shape that aligns with my highest good. No more serving false idols. No more serving those who do not ever wish to honour or respect me. Only serving those who appreciate and acknowledge our mutual unity as part of the collective. Conscious spending. Conscious eating. Conscious living. Releasing my Leo. No longer needing to be liked by everyone. Accepting that many people will completely dislike me, and that that is for the best. Changing myself to suit others, has never benefited them in proportion to the damage it has done to me and those who I care about. No more assimilation. Actualisation. And knowledge. Knowledge that each day I commit to something is a day I develop my ability to commit. Knowing that I am committed to the highest good of the collective, and then knowing that all my work has meaning and therefore is worth doing well. Motivating myself through service to others. Conquering my 6th house.Category:Mental HealthCategory:2017 JournalsCategory:Journals Category:Journal